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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.