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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.