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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.