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I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.