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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Haters gonna hate, your honor
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?