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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?