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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Don`t waste my timeline.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...