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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...