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I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?