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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”