Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.