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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.