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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I know u r but what am I ?
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.