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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Never squat with your spurs on
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.