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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of