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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.