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Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?