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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.