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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.