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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.