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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.