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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.