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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I am used but in good condition.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?