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You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
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I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?