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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.