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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Do angry people know about naps?
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.