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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.