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Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.