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!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.