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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!