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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I`m tired of things costing money
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Reincarnation is my only hope.