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Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Marriage tip: Don`t
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.