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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity