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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds