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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....