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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
The only dates I get are updates.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants