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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I drink to make other people interesting
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.