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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.