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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - Iād worship him too.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.