Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!