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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.