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My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.