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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(