Daily Silly Status

Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.

I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.

If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear

I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)

The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.

I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.

If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don`t think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.

This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.

So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?

The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.

Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.