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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Your things are terrific.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…