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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.