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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.