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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Match dot com, but for socks.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...