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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
What’s the answer to this question?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?