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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".