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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I know u r but what am I ?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.