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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.