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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I flunked anger management class.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook