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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?