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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?